It was a bleak autumn day. I stare out my window into my bleak garden. I'm really bored, and want to get 'The Escapists', but my mums a cunt and she won't let me, even though I still have like £100 quid from Christmas. I decide to go out, when outside, I see a video game store. I walk in and look in the PC section, when I spot a game, with the title of
'The Escapists: Super mega beta cursed free edition!!!!!!!!!!!111'
I pick it up and take it to the till to pay. The man and the counter looks at the game and stares up at me, eyes full of disbelief and terror. His now ghost white skin reflects the evening sun into my eyes. I barely notice this however, as I pull out my wallet.
"That won't be necessary" He says in a wispy tone.
"Hmm?" I reply in confusion
"You can have it for free" He responds almost immediately.
I thank the minimum wage clerk for his charity, and I walk back home. I open up the case to see a blank disc with the words 'The Escapists: Super mega beta cursed free edition." scrawled across the front in permanent marker. I put the CD into my windows 98 custom specked single core processing piece of AWESOME. The game loads, but in the terms and conditions, the letters were covered in blood, and a single bright gold sentence in the midst of the black and red jumbled text read:
'If you continue, consequences are extremely possible.'
I presumed this was just a glitch and continued. The title screen loaded but it was... Different. The stylized pixelated prisoners and guards were covered in blood. The title also read:
'You're going to die'
Hmm, this is different to JackSepticEyes title screen. Nevertheless, I assumed that becuase it was still in Beta, it might have a few things different. I loaded up the list of prisons, there were 6 to choose from, each very different from what they look like in the full game. I will list them here:
Deth Perks (Easy)
Stalag Fuckyouup (Easy)
Squidwards Suicide pen (Moderate)
PATRIXXX compound (Moderate)
Sanic pancho (Hard)
and finally,
HMP BLOOD (Very Hard)
I decided that instead of starting the easiest prison and irking my way up, I was ready to start on HMP blood. I started a new save and called my character 'MLG1337420'. I named several of my prison mates and started up HMP blood. The prison was different. The walls oozed red liquid, and my character was bleeding. The screen was covered in dirt never mind that was just my monitor, and all the prisoners looked hyper realistic and had hyper realistic blood and their injuries looked almost... Real. There was no wardens letter, and I got up out of my bed, ready for roll call. The bell rang, but instead it played the song 'Baby' by Justin Bieber. I fell of my office chair to the ground and threw my headphones off my head. I grabbed my wireless keyboard and progressed to the center of the prison, where roll call was set to take place. Instead of calling out who was going to get their cells searched, they said things like 'Rest in peace' and 'He did not die in vain'. I assumed these were place holder quotes and I continued to breakfast. Instead of the breakfast being the brown mush that it used to be, it was human limbs, covered in blood. As the prisoners ate, all they said was 'You're next'. This was extremely strange, as in australia, video games weren't allowed to so much as make a tiny threat, otherwise they weren't allowed in the country. I digressed, and continued the routine.
Shit.
My mother walked into the room and saw me playing the escapists.
"You are play escapist" She bespoke in her asian voice "You should be revise!"
I braced myself for the shitstorm that was about to come my way. My mother picks up my £2000 guitar ans smashes it on the wall. I grab my keyboard and sm,ash her face with it. The F, C, E, J ,G, D and S keys scatter of my room, but I didn't care. My mothers power level reaches that of a scouter as she released all her hate at the same time. She roared a mighty roar as she filled my bedroom with her hatred. I feel my flesh melt as the temperature in my room reaches well over 9000 degrees.
I wake up, on my office chair staring at my screen. MLG1337420 lays on the bleached white infirmary bed, his flesh melted. I stare at my strangely undamaged room. It was all a dream. "Phew!"I say outloud, wiping the sweat from my eyebrows. Close down The escapists for the first and last time. As I do, a pixelated guard 2 times taller than me walks through my bedroom door and pulls out his rod. I pass out for the second time today and never wake up. I can only assume I was put into a McDonalds big mac. After all,
I was a cow all along.
P.S Sorry for some typos, Wikias editor is shit.